Wedding Night Intimacy – Part 3
Before we discuss wedding night intimacy problems specifically, remember to download and read – (or listen to the audio version) your FREE report ‘How To Have Better Sex, Wonderful Relationships & Transform Your Life’.
In Wedding Night Intimacy Part 1 and Part 2 we discussed general ways to make sure your first night as a married couple is the best it can be.
Now in Part 3 we’re starting to discuss more specific intimacy questions and problems.
One of the biggest wedding night intimacy issues for girls and women:
- Who haven’t had sex before.
- Who’ve had problems in the past with vaginal pain – or
- Who’ve been sexually abused or raped.
… is the intimacy question – ‘is it going to hurt?’ and ‘how can I make sure it doesn’t?’
Let’s just discuss what can cause vaginal pain or discomfort and then look at how you can prevent it from happening.
The vagina is basically a tube of muscles covered by a surface similar to the inside of your mouth. The muscles are folded and can stretch – far enough to allow the passage of a baby – so they can stretch a long way!
At the upper end – the vagina closes off around the neck of the womb (the cervix). And the neck of the womb is closed, unless you’re in the last stages of having a baby. So there’s nowhere for anything to get lost in there!
The vaginal lining and the neck of the womb, contain small glands that produce fluid to lubricate the vagina. When you become sexually excited or have sexual thoughts or fantasies, the glands automatically produce more fluid, to make intercourse easier and to make it easier for sperm to swim from the vagina into the womb.
As with all things women vary in this too. Some women produce a great deal of lubricating fluid very quickly and others produce very little, however, excited they get, so its worth buying some lubricating jelly – it can be useful and also fun to use – for external and internal massage – before you have intercourse.
In the past women expected their first sexual experience to be uncomfortable and to cause bleeding, as the hymen was broken. The hymen is a thin sheet of tissue, that partially closes the vagina in baby girls. However, the hymen is almost never still intact in girls or women having sex for the first time in this modern age, because young girls are so physically active now, that the hymen usually tears naturally and disappears at a very early age, without her ever being aware of its existence.
If a woman is very tense or anxious about making love, just as her neck and back muscles may become tense, or she might get a headache due to tension in the muscles of her scalp, so she may get tension and spasm in her vaginal muscles.
Vaginismus – is tension or spasm of the vaginal muscles – due to anxiety.
The spasm can be so strong it can completely prevent anything entering the vagina or cause pain in the vagina if penetration is attempted.
Or the tension may be less intense and allow penetration with difficulty and with some discomfort.
You may have experienced tension or pain in your vaginal muscles if you’ve tried to examine or explore yourself but been anxious about what you were doing, if you’ve had a rough or insensitive gynae exam – or if you’ve attempted to have, sex before you were completely ready physically or emotionally.
In addition to muscular tension, vaginal discomfort and pain can be caused by lack of adequate lubrication – particularly if you’ve tried to insert a dry tampon or un-lubricated finger – or – again – if you’ve attempted to have intercourse without adequate lubrication.
Unfortunately, if you’ve once experienced vaginal pain or discomfort, it can be self-perpetuating, since your mind gets prepared for it to happen again. So – next time you try – you’re vaginal muscles automatically go into spasm due to your anxiety and so then of courses it does hurt!
[Much more rarely vaginal dryness or pain can be caused by hormonal imbalance or vaginal infection. These issues are dealt with more fully in other intimacy questions articles.]
So how can you prevent or get over the problem of vaginismus – vaginal pain or discomfort?
First it’s obviously helpful to know yourself intimately – first to know your own anatomy and then to know how your body reacts and what it finds pleasurable. You cannot expect your spouse to know what you don’t know yourself.
As you go through the following exercises its very important you notice if you have any uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. If you don’t that’s great, but if you do, make a note of those feelings and thoughts – because if they are not cleared they will be a cause of problems in your enjoyment not only of wedding night intimacy but of intimacy for years to come – and could even be the downfall of your marriage!
So keep a notebook ready. Then you can use the clearing methods you’ll learn in the MakeLoveForLife.com program to clear through any uncomfortable or unsupportive thoughts, feelings or reactions.
Now if you haven’t done if already
- Take a mirror and look at your genitals (giving these important and beautiful body parts a less clinical name can help you to relax and to love your body more – in tantra this part of your body is called your Yoni for example).
Click Here to see a diagram showing where the clitoris is located and what else you will see in the mirror.
The diagram here is a very general guide only – each woman varies as much in this area as she can do in her face and in the rest of her body. Some women for example have very small inner lips and many others have very large ones, which protrude well beyond the outer lips, often with one lip longer than another.
There is no right or wrong about any of this – they are all just variations on normal, like having big breasts, a big nose or tiny feet!
- Now put a little lubricating jelly on your index or middle finger and gently slide your finger into the entrance of your vagina, gradually continuing as far as you can go. Feel around and notice the folds in the muscle walls and the moisture of the inner surface.
If you feel right to the top of the vagina you may be able to feel your cervix (neck of womb) – a bit like a smooth hard nose with one nostril projecting down.
If you have any difficulty inserting your finger, listen to the relaxation exercise and follow the instructions on the guided audio.
If that’s not enough to resolve the problem the problem entirely you’ll soon be learning more methods in the MakeLoveForLife.com program to make it very easy.
In Wedding Night Intimacy Part 4 we’ll be looking at other specific intimacy questions and problems.
Remember if you still haven’t read it yet – make sure you download and read (or listen to the audio version) your FREE report ‘How To Have Better Sex, Wonderful Relationships & Transform Your Life’.
Wedding Night Intimacy – Part 2
Remember – if you haven’t read it already – make sure you read your FREE report ‘How To Have Better Sex – Wonderful Relationships & Transform Your Life’ – for even more help on how to avoid problems on your wedding night – and throughout your marriage.
In Wedding Night Intimacy Part 1 – we started to look at some of the common anxieties and intimacy questions about your first night together as a married couple and how to overcome those anxieties.
In part 2 we’re going to take a look at some practical things you can do to prepare for the big day and the big night!
In part 3 we’ll start to look at specific problems and how you can avoid or deal with them.
For most people the preparation and the wedding day itself can be very stressful and tiring – and to enjoy making love you need to be relaxed! So here are some ways to make sure you’re as relaxed as possible when it comes to enjoying your wedding night intimacy!
You could plan a small, quiet wedding, so everything can be organized beforehand and you have nothing to do on the day except enjoy.
More and more people are of course opting for beach weddings – so that all they have to do is turn up and enjoy. This way you should also get great weather, relaxed guests (or none at all until you get home for an afterwards celebration) and your own luxurious suite to relax and have fun in when it comes to getting intimate.
But – if you’re planning a bigger more traditional wedding – make sure someone else is in charge on the day – so you and your spouse are free to relax and enjoy yourselves.
Meantime, start now and learn strategies to cope with any anxieties and stress you might need to deal with unexpectedly.
If you’re the bride remember to buy beautiful underwear – that makes you feel fantastic.
If you’re the groom make sure your underwear is going to make you and your new spouse feel great too!
Arrange to spend your wedding night close to your evening celebrations – so you don’t waste time and energy travelling.
At the same time make sure the venue is somewhere you can both feel very comfortable and very special – with plenty of privacy – not in the next room to your parents, relatives or friends!
If possible keep the location secret from well meaning friends and family who might add their own unwelcome surprises to your ‘love nest’.
Make sure to pack bath oil, massage oil, feathers, candles, perfume, music and anything you feel and look sexy wearing. Taking into account the things you each said you’d like to see, hear, smell, taste and feel when you discussed your desires and hopes for your own wedding night intimacy.
Remember – it’s not at all uncommon – in fact its very common indeed – for newly married couples to be so tired on their wedding night that one or both immediately fall asleep so making love doesn’t happen till the next day – when they’ve had time to get over the champagne and recover their energy.
Talk to your spouse-to-be about this possibility and how you each feel about it.
If you both agree it could be a great idea to wait till the morning and have more time and energy to enjoy making love that’s fine and your wedding night intimacy issue is resolved!
If on the other hand one or both of you would be disappointed not to make love on your wedding day, then discuss how you’re going to make sure this happens.
One of the best ways to avoid the disappointment of a sleeping spouse is to arrange a good time period during the day to ‘rest and change’ – so you can spend time together and make love while you’re both still feeling excited, enthusiastic and full of energy.
If you have a late wedding or can’t fit in this time together and your new spouse does fall asleep before you make love – don’t despair – don’t take it personally – remember it’s been a very long and tiring – though hopefully a very happy wedding day – and most important – you now have the rest of your lives together to enjoy great sex!
So – get close and love your sleeping spouse – and start planning and preparing for the fun you can have in the morning – while you repeat the clearing phrases you learned in How To Have Better Sex – Wonderful Relationships & Transform your life!
Whenever you are awake and ready to make love together, remember to relax and spend time making sure your spouse is relaxed and feeling totally special – use beautiful words and complements, lots of love and tenderness, erotic music, gentle massage and stroking. Remember to watch, to listen to and to feel his or her responses. Tell your spouse how you are feeling and how important he or she is to you.
This might all sound obvious – but you’d be surprised how many people don’t realize how important this part of making love is.
If you spend time doing all this, the rest will come naturally and easily. And even if nothing else happens – you’ll still have made beautiful love.
Now make sure you’ve ready your FREE report ‘How To Have Better Sex – Wonderful Relationships & Transform Your Life’ and in Wedding Night Intimacy Part 3 – we’ll be looking at specific problems and anxieties you might still be facing.
Wedding Night Intimacy – Part 1
Before we even start on the details of wedding night intimacy I’m going to suggest you download and either read or listen to – my FREE report – How To Have Better Sex – Wonderful Relationships & Transform Your Life – because there’s lots in that report (audio if you prefer) that’ll help you to stop stressing over sex now or any time in the future in addition to what we’re going to discuss here.
So – with your wedding night approaching there are lots of reasons why you might be starting to get a little anxious about the issue of wedding night intimacy.
Whether or not you’ve made love before – you’re probably building your wedding night up in your mind to be a very special and maybe even a somewhat daunting event.
Like many people before you – you may be asking yourself questions like:
- What will he or she expect?
- Will I be able to satisfy my new spouse?
- What if can’t do anything at all?
- Will I spoil my marriage from the start?
You’re about to discover a few basic guidelines you can follow to make sure you both enjoy making love – not just on your wedding night – but for life!
Remember that though you probably were born totally uninhibited and with the capacity to make love freely, enjoying every moment to the full – without a care – you’ve since grown up in a society that loads you up with sexual inhibitions of one sort or another – day in and day out – especially if you’re a woman.
It could take a while for you to let go all that programming and enjoy making love totally, but there are a few things you can do to make sure you have a great time right from the start.
- Remember – although making love can be a deeply intimate form of communion and communication for lovemaking to be totally fabulous you need to communicate in other ways before you get anywhere near the bed.
It’s natural for both of you to have hopes and expectations about your first experience of intimacy together as man and wife, so write down now what you’re imagining and hoping for – what you’d like to happen, how you would like your partner to be and what would you’d like your partner to do on that night – include:
- How you’d like the room to be.
- What you’d like to be wearing (if anything).
- What you’d like your partner to be wearing.
- Even how you feel about pubic hair and if you have any desires about that.
Then how you’d like to ‘get in the mood’ – for example:
- Would you like particular music, or lighting, candles, scents?
- Would you like to take a bath, have a massage, give a massage, be tickled, kissed all over or have a pillow fight?
Be honest – your honesty in this area is the most intimate gift you can give your spouse and a precious gift if you’re to have a truly special intimate relationship.
- Next tell your partner you’d like to make your wedding night as wonderful as possible by doing some anticipation preparation – to build up excitement and eliminate any anxieties by each of you sharing your expectations and your fantasies of how that night could be.
It might seem strange at first to be discussing wedding night intimacy ahead of time, but you’ll find that airing your anxieties and expectations ahead of time makes it easier to be relaxed and spontaneous when the night arrives, because you’ve already started sharing intimacy and at the same time allayed a lot of anxieties on both sides.
And – you’ll probably both be very surprised to discover the similarities and the differences in your expectations. Men, women and people generally have very different expectations and needs – but don’t realize it – most people imagine their partner will enjoy and want the same things they enjoy and want – which is where many sexual problems start in so many relationships!
Do you enjoy having your ear licked for example – or maybe your belly button – ask your partner the same question and compare your reactions.
So if you want to enjoy ecstatic sex for life – start communicating and learning about each other right now – sharing intimacy.
Listen and accept your partner’s hopes and desires without judgment. And while you listen notice your feelings. If you feel excited by the suggestions that’s great and you can say so.
If on the other hand you notice uncomfortable feelings of any sort, tell your partner about your feeling. It’s much better to face any anxieties and deal with them now rather than on the night itself.
If you still have uncomfortable feelings by the time you’ve read all the Wedding Night intimacy articles and the FREE report contact me at MakeLoveForLife.com for specific help.
It’s also a good opportunity to discuss contraception and safe sex – if you haven’t done that already.
Obviously if neither of you has had a sexual relationship in the past safe sex is not an issue, but if either of you has, then make sure to get a check with your doctor before having unprotected sex.
And do you want to have children right away (and yes it is possible to get pregnant the very first time) or would you rather have some time together without children first?
You may be worried about being a newbie when it comes to wedding night intimacy – but if you want to know how to be a great lover – here’s the secret.
THE SECRET OF BEING A TRULY GREAT LOVER is to be willing to listen, to watch, to sense, to learn and to adapt to what your partner wants and enjoys on each occasion – knowing moods, desires and pleasures can change from day to day and even from minute to minute.
THE WORST LOVERS are men and women who are actually insecure – and needing a crutch – try to hide behind ‘knowledge’. They often convince themselves – and try to convince their partners – that they are expert lovers, because they’ve read every manual and know every technique and they’re going to prove it whether its what you want or not! So instead of being open and ready to learn – they feel offended and insulted if their partner says or indicates that he or she wants something other than what is being delivered.
Other WORST LOVERS are the men and women who expect their partner to know what they desire and enjoy on each occasion – without telling or showing them in any way!
Forget what you’ve read in romance novels and magazines or the totally inaccurate sex scenes you’ve seen on TV or at the cinema – the real pleasure of lovemaking is rarely in the urgent, rushed and quickly finished ‘passion’ they portray (that’s just so it fits into the script and gets some interest).
Read more about this in your FREE report – How To Have Better Sex – Wonderful Relationships & Transform Your Life if you haven’t read it already.
And look out for more wedding night intimacy advice and tips in Part 2.
